Deer Santa

this is Penny i am almost 6
i dont want another Barbie or a dress or candies
little Billy cries all the time
mommy and daddy are busy all the time
billy has fever billy has a stomak ake billy has a week heart
always billy billy billy
always doctors and pills and bills
and mom and dad tired and sad
dad said it may take a long time and mom said god i dont know if i can take it any more
it is all becoz of billy
take him away
i want everything like before when dad and mom and i were happy
that is all i want for Krismas
i put my Shaggyteddy next to the milk and cookies tonite you can have him too

Dear Santa,

Remember me? This is Penny again. Haven't written to you in a while. Thanks for my previous wish. They searched for a long time but found nothing. Mother has been like dumbfounded since then. Doesn't talk much, just asks "Have you seen Billy?" and stares at you. Creepy. Even Dad is like afraid of her, leaves early, comes home late, and disappears on weekends. Says for work, but doesn't look at you.

My graduation is this spring. I got this sick dress already and the Louboutins with red soles. But there is a jam. My BFF Becky's dying to get tight with Brandon. She thinks he's like mad chill, but I know he only wants 53X and then will curve her. And I'm worried about that love-struck fool. If Brandon takes someone else to prom, she might go crazy and like drink vinegar or swallow some pills or worse. Take that damned Brandon away, or Becky's going to the dogs.

My grandmother gave me these cool, old-fashioned earrings with red stones. I'll leave them next to the milk and cookies tonight.

Dear Santa,

Penelope here. It's been a while.

Well, all is fine with me. Little Kenny is already in second grade, doing OK. Not the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree, but he is patient and obedient. Some boys and girls tried to bully him once at school. Called him a retard and pissed into his lunchbox. I didn't bother you. Becky helped me track those kids down and I talked to them, one by one. She's Special Agent Rebecca Williams now. Still single, still looking for Brandon, still wants to believe the truth is out there.

My husband Jim works for a Fortune 500 company. A steady job and decent money. Not that we couldn't use more. Recently, they posted a supervisor position and Jim applied. Dwight Slick said by the water cooler that he'd also applied and bragged about a friend in HR who will "see to it". Jim has kept his nose to the grindstone for ten years. Dwight was only hired last year but got the corner cubicle with a window already. Jim is going crazy, lost weight over worries, can't sleep at night. But he is too well-mannered and too soft to do anything about it. I'm afraid his heart may not take much more of this. Take this Slick guy away, please.

I've got some savings. Wanted to get breast implants, but will manage without. I'll put the money next to the milk and cookies tonight.

Dear Santa,

It's me again.

The damn doctor won't tell me the truth. Never looks me in the eyes, just flips through the charts and tables on the computer all the time. How much time, I ask, do I have? She says, your situation is difficult, but there is hope, so we'll stick to the treatment plan. Yea, right, that means you've got no time left to speak of, but we will marinate you with the chemo, anyway.

Kenny doesn't understand. Says, get well soon, Mom, and smiles. Jim understood everything. Calls almost every day and always asks what they can do to help. "They" means he and his new wife, Rebecca. Yea, right, my Becky was investigating the Dwight Slick disappearance several years ago. One thing led to another and now "they" also include their two-year-old son, Brandon. Well, at least I know that—if something were to happen to me—Kenny wouldn't have to live with my parents, whom he calls hillbillies and is afraid of. I can't blame him. Plus, he'd get the little brother he always wanted.

This brings me to the point. I can't take this anymore.

It hurts all the time. I can't sleep at night. There is this flickering light whenever I close my eyes and weird humming in my head. But the last night was different. I swooped through my mattress, through the floor and kept falling. Not fast like a rock, more like a bird soaring in the sky. Then I became a fish swimming in a lake. Then it got cold and the water froze around me. I saw dead fish with eyes full of blackness. It was no longer night, but the morning hadn't come yet. Under the dark, aloof sky, there was a black cliff on the shore with a cave lit from inside and full of yellowed bones and empty-eyed skulls. Large and small. A strange creature sat in the cave uttering "oh... oh... oh". It had antlers and hoofs and a man's body.

I thought it was you. And I thought you looked old and tired, like you might need some help. I'll help if you let me. You can keep your reindeers and ho-ho-hos and bring people junk they think they need. I'll take away what they don't want. You do nice, I'll take care of naughty. Together we can make this world a better place.

Take me with you, please. That's all I want for Christmas. I know it's only September and there's no milk or cookies in the house, but I'll reheat some leftover pizza and I will never have another wish for you again.

Yours truly,

Penelope